Friday, 30 November 2007

Late Turn

When she came to say goodbye, I think we both knew it really was goodbye. She had a speech prepared, and everything she said was right.
I didn’t listen.
I heard what she said, but I didn’t listen. Instead, I stared into space, a talent of mine.

I remember staring at her belt, and thinking that I didn’t recognise it. Is that a result of my lack of caring, or just the situation I was in? It was rainbow coloured, with a silver coloured buckle, something that I can physically see now when I close my eyes.

I was sitting on the spare bed, in the flat that was once ours. There were tears in her eyes, and I know there were in mine.

“No,” I said, and kept repeating; “No.” My mind was made up.
She kept talking, and what she said was all true. How often was it wrong? But I tried not to think about it. Instead, there was only one thought clear in my mind.
“I’ve got to iron my shirt for late turn.”

I do love my job, but God alone knows I hate it sometimes. I should have listened, I should have called in sick, I should have shown her the respect she deserved.
Instead, she left, I ironed my shirt, went to late turn, nicked a guy for being wanted on warrant.

Came back, cleared out the flat, cleaned it, and slept on the floor in an empty flat that we once called home.

And it comes back to me regularly, when I look for a dvd and realise I don’t have it anymore as I bought it for her. Or listen to a song that was “ours.” Or when I finish work and start to text her to tell her I’m on my way home, then remember I’m not going home to her.

Most of all, I want to apologise to her, to explain that in fact I fucked up, that I was wrong and she was right. But I know that if I care for her the best thing I can do is leave her alone.

So instead, I keep going to late turn, and turn up to fights, and traffic accidents, and try and forget about the flat that was our home.

Thank God Coppers don’t have feelings, eh?

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

The important thing that all bobbies that love the job need to remember, from my part-time coppering point of view, is that there'll always be wanted on warrants, but there won't always be fish in the sea. Most of the time when you full-timers realise that is when it's far too late ;).

Sorry to hear about your situation.

"gunner" said...

i've been there too mate, it takes a long time to get over it but it does happen. i was lucky the next time and it worked. i'll hope for the same for you when you're ready to try again, don't give up.

RandomPinkness said...

We're both right pathetic aren't we, sorry to hear about this my lovely, you need to get with one of the LAS chicks, then their job'll be just as bad as yours. ;)

Mousie said...

*Hugs*

Misty said...

*hugs*

Sparkly Dancer said...

Now that tugged at the heart strings... :(

*hugs*

It gets better :)

And she knows what you're thinking :)
Girls always do :)
Sure why do you think we spend so much time talking to one another? :D

*hugs*

Dave the Dog said...

Grief. That was like looking in a mirror. I'm still trying to come to terms with it.It was me without a doubt. I couldn't see the wood for the trees. I may have been at fault but it wasn't through malice or even because I didn't care. I did. My heartfelt sympathy mate.

Joe90 said...

People are more important than work, that is the most important rule I live by.

Metcountymounty said...

gutted mate, this job isn't exactly relationship friendly at the best of times, I've had my fare share of rather unpleasant job induced domestics. If it is truely over then find youself a naive probie for a couple of months, if its not and you might be able to claw it back then go for it. Its fucking hard work but when it works, its worth it.

Sometimes falling out with the duties office and kicking up a stink to get a decent lump of time off is absolutely the best thing. Ours isn't an easy job by any stretch of the imagination, but it is still just a job.

Chin up, go and get shitfaced.

PC South West said...

Keep your chin up fella.

thoughts running through my head.... said...

no one told me when I joined that it would ruin my love life and friendships,all the shit I see reminds me to put f+f first,middle,last,only I dont know how to maintain a relationship now as no bloke wants to put up with all the crap I put up with before I signed my life away.I'd leave and get a life only I'm hooked now!
I understand.

Roses said...

Oh honey, that's a tough one.

Instead of cliches and advice no one ever takes, have a virtual

*hug*

Emma said...

Aww bless you Area, I am thinking about you I know it's not easy..xx

TWINING said...

I don't do hugs, but if I did I would have a four pack of Carlsbergs in my hands, 2 for you, 2 for me. Take care bro.

Girl*Next*Door said...

Not much I can already add Area. But it is hard & a horrible thing when it's like that. You have my sympathy xxx

*big hugs*

I tend to agree with Metcountymounty, might not sound like it but it does work or at least help.

Whichendbites said...

The important thing is to learn from the experience and make sure you don't allow the same thing to happen again. You don't get many chances in this life and you aren't rehearsing for anything or anyone, you are there only for yourself so take out the best bits and try to forget about the bits that make you sad. Learn from whatever you perceive to be your mistakes and whatever happens you got to talk as only dogs can read your mind, humans, well you got to tell them stuff.

bullet Dodger said...

Very well written and all too familiar. Just another sacrifice we make for our 2%

Noddy said...

I wouldn't be married to me, that's for sure, but the 'Saint' has stuck with 'it' for 22 years and I'm sure there's someone out there the same for you.

I can hear and understand everything you and commenters have said and I for one hate the second hand shite the job dumps on partners.

As for the shirt 'thing', that's the way the job institutionalises you and it is good you caught yourself thinking that way. Now the trick is to catch such thoughts in time when they come up again.

Good luck.

On the other hand I could be a submariner away for 6 months at a time in a cigar tube. Hang on a minute I think the Mrs would actually like that!

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